Oh, Osama, come out of your (excellent) cave complex with your (really cool) burro, so our fine president can be a hero. We know that you are still alive, and we just want to talk. We know you'd like our fine President, he believes in YOU! Oh, Osama, we have kidneys, and they are Palestinian so you know they are pork-free, and have been handled in true Kosher fashion.
O, 'sama, you are the key to our dilapidated empire of trash and Hollywood and badly behaved sports figures. The CIA has a big check for you, and Virgins! How can you resist? How can you exist? I so want to pet your burro and tell him how cool he looks in his Raybans™. He will no longer suffer the burden of carrying your dialysis machine.
Please make our fine President look good. Maybe you two could share a (really big) Hookah!
He would like your (excellent) Cave Complex, with it's hydroelectric power, espresso bar and microbrewery. Michelle and the girls could get to know your wives, and trade gardening tips.
Please, Osama, call our President today and make him the hero who will show you to the world and make all the killing stop, since you are the one and the only, Holy Savior of our Fable of the top gun Arab High-jackers you have sent to save the world from the Empire of crust and toxins, and our debauched media whores. Allah will surely be praised!
Even Muhammed will smile, and clean his smelly turban. I hope you heed my call, as you read this in your awesome lair inside the Holy Mountain, make our President your friend, he likes burros, and surely would give the brush to the dual Israeli-American citizens really running the Empire States. I implore you to come out and walk with a stick, and your (wonderful) Ak-47.
Maybe you could train Americans to do the monkey bars, so they would not die from their lack of exercise and addiction to corn syrup. You hold the key to unity in the universe, Osama, come to my arms my beamish boy, o frabjous day, Callooh! Callay!
Our President believes in you, and he has been a good boy. Put him on your list to visit and bring gifts from Bloomingdales and Macy's. We could even give you a whole new video studio so we don't have to rely on your ragged cassette tapes. You could be a star, maybe even a contestant on American Idol - I know you can't resist! Allah is Bigger, we know, but you will be serving Him as he is the same dude as our Jewish God, and surely would want you to spread his Wrath, fine WAR GOD™ that He is! Oh, Osama, come home to your CIA friends, they are so despondent that you left them. All will sing in joy when you allow our President to bow to you. Allah be Praised and may He expose His Naked Butt to the hungry, hungry world!