This Just In!

[Shallel Octavia]

Admiral Allen has scheduled a news conference tomorrow 1PM EST. He will congratulate BP for a successful repair to the Macando Well, and announce that 95% of the oil is cleaned up. He will articulate a plan to use a nuke in the GOM, quote - "just for the heck of it."

In related news,

Corexit Spraying, coming to a town near you?

Touting spectacular results on the BP disaster, the Coast Guard has recommended several cities as the possible next phase use of the highly toxic brew, consisting of detergents, anti-freeze, methanol and Gumout™ Carburator Cleaner. "Newark, Staten Island, and Detroit were high on the list for "cleaning", as was The Little Italy section of Lower Manhattan." Coast Guard Spokesman Ned Brochenstein said, "You greasy bastards with your love and romance, and pleasurable smells, have been a problem for the Elite's bland and bloody tastes and they have scheduled the clean fresh Corexit™ By NALCO to be sprayed, to rid us of your deep fried squid forever! Oh, and the squid are targets, too. Damn creepy those squid, probably Al Qaeda."